Inside, we are the same person as we were when younger. Over 20 years ago, my late dad, in his 60s at the time, told me that ageing was a strange sensation as inside, mentally, he still felt exactly the same as he did when he was 18. But again, how many more older gay elders would there be were it not for the AIDS crisis of the 80s and 90s? It literally wiped out a whole generation – and the hole left behind continues to impact those coming up behind them. The likes of Elton John and Ian McKellen spring to mind. Sure, there are some older LGBTI figures of note. This is despite the fact that many continue to have regular sex lives into old age. When someone over a certain age – hetero or homo – expresses their sexuality – it’s seen by many as creepy or unattractive (ask Madonna!). Then there’s the whole thing about sexuality and age. But when one is single, childless, and gay, who am I supposed to be aping in my older years? Having children inevitably rearranges one’s priorities, and I know that an increasing number of gay men are exploring this option. Straight parents and grandparents provide some sort of template or role model for our straight counterparts. We make appointments with cosmetic clinics for the discreet nip, tuck or injection. Health-related problems are not openly discussed. Instead, we live in a culture in which everyone’s desperately pretending that they’re not getting old. But where are the older LGBTI role models? Where are the elders to demonstrate that entering your 50s, 60s and beyond needn’t be seen as bleak and hopeless? Compared to when I was a teenager, there are many out pop stars, actors and social media stars.
Organizations such as the UK-based Diversity Role Models take gay, bi and trans people into schools to talk to kids. There’s much work going on these days to provide role models for LGBTI youth. If it’s not struggling with depression, it’s overdosing on drugs or putting their sexual health at risk at party’n’play sessions. I’m concentrating on gay men because it’s what I know and because I’m hearing of far too many in my peer group who are in a mess. Other groups in the LGBTI spectrum face their own unique struggles. That’s even before the changing image we see in the mirror. Again, all issues that affect men across the board, but which can bring added stress to those too scared to ask intimate questions of their healthcare provider. Erectile dysfunction can lead some gay men to contemplate a future with a limited sex life. The hot bear who tore up the dance floor in his 30s finds himself trying to avoid type II diabetes in his 40s.
Lost in a world in which they have already fought to feel accepted. It can lead many gay men to begin to feel lost. As you become older, it’s easy to feel yourself become more invisible. The commercial gay scene tends to revolve around those in their 20s and 30s. Images across the LGBTI media focuses heavily on the young and the good-looking. For most of us, there are probably fewer years ahead than there are behind us. You realize that some dreams or ambitions you’ve held on to will likely never be realized the lofty career ambitions you had might not materialize inevitably, you begin to realize your body is not what it was. Some associate this with issues around masculinity: not talking about one’s feelings, and being too afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.Ĭombine toxic masculinity with homophobia (both internal and external), and it’s little surprise that gay men suffer from additional mental health challenges.īut this still doesn’t explain why I’m seeing so many gay men in their 40s and 50s in distress. Despite the privilege we enjoy, men are disproportionately likely to die from suicide than women by a ratio of around 3 to 1. Struggling to the point of suicide.Īgain, this isn’t just a gay problem. But when I look around, I see too many of my peers battling to cope. Now in my late 40s, I think my mental health is pretty good most of the time. But I’m beginning to wonder if gay men in particular struggle with ageing. None of us wants to get older and we’d all like to stop the clock if we could. Are gay men particularly terrified of getting older?